Gigli

Review Haiku

There is nothing worse

Than this terrible, awful,

Piece of shit movie

Rating: there are no words/5

One of my favorite words in the English language is “pestiferous.” It means, “harboring infection and disease; constituting a pest or nuisance; annoying.” It is a good word.

Another one of my favorite words is “abhor.” It means, “regard with disgust and hatred.” It is also a good word.

I abhorred this pestiferous slug of a “film,” and if I wanted to I could concoct a pages-long list of words and phrases that might do a sliver of justice in describing what a pile of cow manure it is.

What follows is essentially a list of grievances, split into three parts. I need to rid myself of the glop.

The Plot

Sense was optional when structuring Gigli, apparently. This film makes no goddamn sense. Ben Affleck (Gigli, stupidly pronounced ZHEE-glee, which Affleck reminds us over and over again) looks as lost as I was. Gigli has to kidnap the mentally challenged son of a prosecutor. It’s unclear why this is important, mostly because the film refuses to place anything at stake and instead rushes Ricki (played terribly by Jennifer Lopez) into the fray simply because Affleck and Lopez were an item or something back in 2003. I don’t know, pop culture was a mystery to me at that point. But if those two were indeed enamored with each other, and the nation was intentsely interested, it provides me with the only possible reason why this project ever got past the storyboard phase.

There are so many things wrong with this movie. Start with its stunning lack of respect toward the mentally challenged community. The word “retard” is thrown around freely, not in a way a that services the plot or offers insight into characters, but simply as a vehicle to dump on the very mentally challenged Brian (Justin Bartha). It would have been offensive in 1954. Then, we move to the pretentious air that infects every corner of the film. Director Martin Brest must love Quentin Tarantino because holy fuck this movie is exactly what you’d get when a Tarantino worshipper decided he was Quentin’s equal. There might as well have been a ticker at the bottom of the screen saying “I love long bouts of dialogue, cursing, and yelling, and random bits of music to service the plot.” Tarantino does this a lot, but he does it well. THIS MOVIE. It thinks it’s so smart and amazing and groundbreaking and it forces it down your throat. It’s annoying as hell.

The Acting

Ben Affleck is slightly less than half-decent, I suppose. He at least looks like an actor, and talks like an actor. Al Pacino’s appearance, while stupid, is acted. Christopher Waken appears in a single scene and he Christopher Walkens. Everyone is below their normal range, but none are so bad that you think it’s awfulness of note.

Then, we get to Jennifer Lopez.

One of the most poorly acted scenes I’ve ever witnessed

This is the first time I’ve seen JLo in a movie. I wish I could go back in time and undo that. I’m of the mind that people don’t just fall into fame – I’m sure Jennifer Lopez is more talented than we think, and I’m sure she’s a smart, well-meaning person. She is a terrible actress. Terrible in ways I cannot fathom. Here’s an actual section from my notes:

Screen Shot 2015-09-19 at 12.56.08 PM

If you’re wondering what “second tab experiment” means, it was a test I devised on a whim. I opened a second tab and listened to JLo act, instead of watching. What I realized is that there is no difference between JLo acting and JLo reading. They sound exactly the same. She is literally reading right off the script. Nothing sounds natural, everything sounds forced. She is committing a carnal sin – she’s trying to act, instead of acting.

I trashed Dermot Mulroney (Cardboard Box) in my review for My Best Friend’s Wedding, but I’ll sit through a Dermot Mulroney sex tape before I watch JLo act in a movie again. An actual cardboard box would have done a better job in Gigli.

The Dialogue

Finally, this three-part excoriation comes to a close with a focus on the laughable, terrible, written-up-while-drunk-on-a-Tuesday-morning script that permeates the very soul of anyone unfortunate enough to lend their ears to the film. I will simply list a few of the real, actual lines that made it into the movie:

Gigli: “What about me is not your type?”

Ricki: “Your penis.”

Gigli: “What does that mean?”

Ricki: “It means I’m gay. It means I’m a lesbian.”


Gigli: “Nice computer.” *smashes computer* “Yeah, SuckMyDick.com!”


Gigli: “Becky, whatever your name is, look…THIS IS MY EYES!”


Ricki: “It’s turkey time.”


And now, the king of all quotes. This was spouted from JLo’s gullet during a scene where she does yoga, a scene that seems to exist purely so that viewers can ogle her undeniably impressive physique while hearing her profess adoration for that dreamiest (ugh) of womanly tools:

That’s what everyone wants to kiss. Not a toe. Not a sea slug. A mouth. And why do you think that is, stupid? Because the mouth is the twin sister, the almost exact look-alike of what? Not the toe. The mouth is the twin sister of the vagina. And all creatures big and small seek the orifice, the opening, to be taken in, engulfed, to be squeezed, lovingly crushed by what is truly the all-powerful, all-encompassing. No, if it’s design you’re concerned with, hidden meaning, symbolism, power, forget the top of Mount Everest, forget the bottom of the sea, the moon, the stars, there is no place nowhere that has been the object of more ambitions, more battles than the sweet sacred mystery between a woman’s legs that I am proud to call my pussy.

THIS IS ACTUAL DIALOGUE

Final Thoughts

Not romantic, not a comedy: This was put on the list because it’s tagged on multiple sites as a “romantic comedy.” It is neither. It is a boring, stupid, useless glimpse into the boring, stupid, useless back-and-forth between two famous lovebirds who have zero chemistry whatsoever

Al Pacino: Al Pacino has one scene, a long scene, a scene so stupid and dull that no one should ever watch it. I fell asleep, but not before his character claims “I say everything twice,” proceeding to repeat exactly one thing twice. Hooray for consistency.

Bad movies: I love bad movies. I think they are something of a misunderstood art form. I’ve seen The Room, Troll 2, etc. etc. etc. Those movies are terrible for a number of reasons. They have no plot, the acting is amateur at best, and the dialogue is horrendous. But these movies at least have a soul, or are at least bad enough to enjoy them as a joke. Gigli IS NOT THAT. This movie falters spectacularly because it takes itself so goddamn seriously and isn’t inept enough to become a cult hit.

Break: I took four breaks while watching. It turned a two-hour movie into a three-hour stay on death row.

Sappiness Rating: N/A: This wasn’t a romantic comedy. It was “Hey, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are famous! Let’s put them in a movie and make money!” Except, in a happy twist of fate, the movie made less than $10 million on a nearly $75 million budget. SWEET KARMA

Conclusion

I’m willing to submit this film to the CIA so that it can use it during its torture proceedings. It’s diabolical, I know, but holy shit. I will never, ever watch this again, and every time it is brought up in conversation I will treat it like Voldemort and shush whoever had the gall to utter its despicable moniker.

NEVER AGAIN

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