How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Review Haiku

This movie exists

So that the women on screen

Can gape at M.M.

Rating: 1/5

I can predict the future

A funny thing happened while watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. No, not something actually funny – this movie was utterly devoid of humor or high comedy of any kind. But at the end, I realized I somehow acquired prescient abilities. It was stunning. Just don’t tell the press, lest they whisk me away and allow science to operate on my unique powers. Here’s the proof:

Screen Shot 2015-09-24 at 2.31.55 PM

I penned this peek into the future at the 10:54 mark of the movie. It’s more or less exactly what ended up happening, call it a 95% correct guess. I am the most powerful being in the universe.

“Predictable” is the operative word in this terrible effort. The movie tried its best, if its best was what you’d get if you put a piece of tree bark in the director’s chair and told it to call “cut.” This, this was the stereotype boring into my brain that had nestled in quite nicely before I started the romcom journey. If you had asked me eight movies ago what my general idea of the typical romantic comedy was, I would have described the themes and plot of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. It was agonizingly bland and unoriginal and worst of all, not funny in any way.

This fervent predictability rendered the movie unenjoyable. But the real sin was how it didn’t seem aware of how predictable it was. Instead of a clever romp through New York with two of the city’s hottest singles, I got  movie that thought playing out the same scenarios time and again would entertain the audience. Look, we get it, Andie (Kate Hudson) is trying to be crazier with each passing day. At least make it fun!

The producers decided fun wasn’t a good idea. This movie sucked.

Let’s all look at Matthew McConaughey’s body

Matthew McConaughey has a nice body, I guess. The director treated him like a god. I stand in front of the mirror and my Adonis-seeking eyes lie to me, telling me that I look much better than I actually do. Matthew McConaughey could look in the mirror and the mirror would blush. This is what we’re up against, guys.

There are some truly pointless scenes in the movie. One of them, near the beginning, serves only to show off McConaughey’s chiseled frame. He takes his shirt off in his office, the camera cuts to a group of fawning women, and then cuts away. There was no purpose to this shot, only to show that yes, Matthew McConaughey is sexy as fuck and he still can’t find a girl even though literally every girl in New York would sell their grandmother to get a piece of him.

Anyway, I just wanted to point that out. We know you’re hot, Matt.

Final thoughts

Already? Yes, already. This movie was dumb, I’m tired, and there’s not much else to say. Also, there’s a Redskins game tonight. Also, I haven’t set my fantasy lineup. I HAVE A LIFE

A list I made, purely because it kind of rhymes with the title of the movie:

How To Lose Your Mind In 10 Ways

  1. Watch this stupid movie
  2. Watch it again
  3. Watch Gigli
  4. Be a Redskins fan
  5. Write a blog about watching 30 romantic comedies in 30 days
  6. Watch half of Gigli
  7. Write a blog post about a terrible movie knowing full well you’re about to watch a film starring Lance Bass and Joey Fatone
  8. Eat beets
  9. Watch this movie again
  10. Eat 35 vending machine snacks in one workday

Money: This movie made almost $106 million on a $50 million budget. Fuck that.

Best line: There were no best lines. Every line was forced and stupid, cliched and tired. You know who had the best line? Goddamn Marv Albert:

“It’s the Kings and the Knicks in Game 7 of the NBA Finals!”

2003 was a different time, of course (although neither team was THAT good). But remember this: there are children in the world now who would never understand what that quote means. Because the Kings and the Knicks are hot garbage now, and seemingly forever (especially the Kings. The Kings might be one of the worst franchises in all of sports. The only thing worse would be to be a fan of the Kings AND the Philadelphia 76ers. What a tortured existence that must be for anyone unlucky enough to encounter such a fate).

Sappiness Rating: 10/10. Because it was predictable and just lumped a stupid happy ending on to the back side of the run time. Fuck this.

Conclusion

You think I’m bitter now? Wait until tomorrow’s review…

UP NEXT: …because I’m watching On The Line next, a film that stars members of N’Sync. This will be a joy.

THE END. GO AWAY MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

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